Friday, 7 August 2015

Movie Review: 50 Shades Of Grey

Disclaimer: this post contains graphic language and heavy use of sarcasm, if you are under 18 please look away now and normal posting will resume shortly. 

After avoiding this whole 50 Shades of Grey hype for pretty much the better part of 6 months I finally picked up a copy the other day as HMV had their 2 for £20 deal and I needed something else to go alongside Jupiter Ascending. 
Why do I do this to myself? 
I read the book back in March and hated it with a passion not because of the whole BDSM aspect of it (hey, whatever floats your boat) but because I felt it was sexist putting too much emphasis on the male protagonist getting what he wants, when he wants and solely for is pleasure while the female just stands there and takes it, objects about what's happening to her but still goes along with it in the hope that she will change him and get a relationship out of it. 

So why watch the movie you ask? Curiosity and sadly I've learned the lesson that curiosity killed the cat or in this case my patience and brain cells! 

It bugs the shit out of me when people categorize this movie as a "romance" it bugs me even more when people say it promotes "abuse" all it promotes is a weak female lead who can't say no to a man who as more issues than a big issue vendor!!! 

So here is a small list of the things that annoy me about this movie. 

1. Didn't think it was possible but the movie is worse than the book!!! It's cheesy, the acting is horrendous, I found myself laughing at parts that I'm sure weren't meant to be funny and quite frankly I was bored out my brain and wondering why I wasted £10 on this piece of shit! 
If I wanted to watch a romance film this wouldn't be it and if you watch this thinking your going to see them having sex every 5 fucking seconds like in the book then your gonna be disappointed! Just do yourself and your brain a favor and go watch some porn, please. 

2. Christian Grey is a fucking humongous prick! He's a control freak, a stalker, and a selfish ass hole, everything he does to Ana is to please is needs he doesn't give a flying fuck if she's enjoying herself! He buys Ana loads of expensive shit so she'll keep letting him do her. Who in the right frame of mind buys an absolute stranger a lap top, Agent Provocateur underwear and a car? It's like he's buying sex off her but instead o paying cash it's gifts! 
He's everything I detest most in a man!!! 

3. Ana winds the fuck out of me! This damsel in distress act does not have me fooled, she knows exactly what's she doing and tries to manipulate Christian and succeeds by making him agree to a "relationship" when he doesn't want one. He's quite clear with her right from the start what he's like but she just ignores it and tries to change him. When he gives her "the contract" she strikes out 3/4 of what's on there because she "scared" and doesn't end up signing it in the end anyways! 
Sorry but it's not believable this would never happen in real life. 
In the end she walks out because SHE asks him to show her how bad it gets and starts to cry because he slaps her ass a little too hard! Oh please, you knew what he was into and that's the worst he can do to you? 
Those two are not "on the same page" in fact Ana is page 2 chapter one while Christian is on Book 5. 

4. They both have phones but don't fucking text each other like normal fucking people, instead they email each other, what the actual fuck???

5. Where the fuck does Ana buy her underwear? 
What did your poor vagina do to you to deserve M&S pack of 7 white cotton granny pants? Jesus girl get yourself to Victoria Secrets! 
And Ana for the love of God shave your dam legs, maybe a bikini wax? 

6. Jose, Ana's best friend irritates me to my very core, I wanna kick him in the face!!!

7. I find it hilarious how all of Christian work clothes are Grey, it's like he woke up one morning and thought "do you know what would be cool? If I matched all my fashion choices to my surname!" 
You can thank your lucky stars that your name wasn't pink! 

8.  The bathtub scene is creepy as fuck, I actually found it disturbing and I can't even put my finger on why!  

9. The scene in the playroom where he makes her kneel in front of the door and tells her that she will do this every time she goes in there made my blood boil! 
Again it's so Christian can get off on it while Ana is like "WTF am I doing here"?
This is the point where any woman with any self respect would have got up and gone "fuck you douchebag, go have a wank, I'm out of here" but she doesn't! 
Holy shit I'm getting angry just writing this! 

10. And finally lets not forget that this started out as Twilight fan fiction! Twilight was shit and 50 Shades of Grey is even shittier! 

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